Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
