Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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