Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
