I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
