In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
