Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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