1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
