I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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