My sheets look like a crime scene.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
