My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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