I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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