She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
