Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
