im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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