hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
