he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
