My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize