Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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