Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
