I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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