these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize