On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Just pee around me
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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