I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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