My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
