This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
