I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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