JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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