You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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