You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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