cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
