dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
