i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
