CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
