Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
