I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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