Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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