She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
