last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
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