Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Randomize
