New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
