I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
