Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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