ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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