i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
