I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
