My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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