you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
