she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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