I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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