I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
