I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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