you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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