now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
they call him Oral-B. enough said
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
