omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Randomize