And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
