Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
