The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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