We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
