He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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