the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
