it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Randomize
