you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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