happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize
