There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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