Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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