made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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