I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
