I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Randomize
