I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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